Writer’s Cramp - Edie Haggard


Thursday, March 19, 2009
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Writer’s Cramp
By Edie Haggard

Diatribe against television commercials

I hardly know how to begin. I am so deeply and snarlingly irritated with television and the excessive noise that accompanies every news segment that I could chew nails. CNN is my target presently as every tiny bit of news is preceded by loud drumbeats, deafening music of some kind, these little tinkling bells that accompany every soundbite and just general noise!

I expect they think they have to engage the attention of these 20s and 30s who are so attached to their various cell phones, iPods, Bluetooth and all these other electronic devices which seem unnecessary to me.

Too, these young’uns have had their stereos turned up to scream for so many years they are now mostly deaf, hence, all the very excessive TV noise of various kinds so they can hear what’s happening.

Attention deficit disorder has become the condition de jour. Well, hello! Who wouldn’t be ADD when you can’t even take in a bit of news before it’s gone and here’s another commercial?

With the one minute of news, two minutes of commercials, one minute of news, three minutes of commercials, our minds are becoming scrambled.

Peoples’ minds have become so fragmented by the media it’s no wonder concentration and quiet thinking have disappeared.

Even our Memphis stations seem to think they have to precede their various news segments with drums, trumpets, and other very irritating sounds to get our attention. What is wrong with some quiet, tasteful music to introduce their news bites? I have always had very acute hearing but I’m beginning wonder if all this noise is destroying my little inner ear hairs. I can just visualize those babies lying flat under the onslaught of this vicious noise, never to arise again, as they were killed by the blast.

My fantasy is, and it is an unrealistic fantasy, that the TV stations clump all these commercials into a 10 or 15 minute slot at the beginning or end of a program so we can all rapidly eat supper, visit the bathroom, take a shower, walk the dog or just enjoy those minutes of peaceful silence to gather our souls together for the next onslaught of cacophony before the news.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have no artificial noise whatever? Sit on the porch, listen to the silence which is stitched with birdsong, leaves rustling, distant dog barks, your kitty’s meows and just general peace. Then listen to quietly delivered programs in a civilized fashion when you go back inside.

Learn to tolerate silence. It scares a lot of people because they aren’t used to it.

I think the greatest invention in the modern world is the mute button. If it didn’t exist I would have to get off the couch and slap the volume button on the TV off and on a thousand times during a program so I wouldn’t have to listen to the dad-gum commercials! If the mute button ever goes out on the remote I think I will go into melt-down before I can get another. Or, in a psychotic rage shoot the TV!

Well, since I have vented, I’m calm now.

The mute button is beginning to falter. My .22 is aimed dead center at the TV and my hand is rock steady, just in case.

A recent e-mail perfectly states the case. Picture of a kestrel with a spread-eagled gecko in its beak and the caption “Let’s see the little _______ _______ sell insurance now!

Now where is that ______ duck?”

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